"Can I do my homework in your room?...

... because your room is really cool and you're so awesome!" These sweet words came out of Hannah's mouth after the last girl left from the Grapple kickback at my house tonight. She connected so well with the girls. She was buzzing around the house before the kickback started, asking if this girl and that girl was going to be there. By the end of the night, she was begging them to stay, asking when they were going to be back, getting this one and that one to play with her, and telling Faith how excited she was that she might come over later in the week.

8 sweet little girls came over with Ms. Jamie to watch "Up", bake cookies, and eat popcorn. The movie ended early, and somehow (naturally) they all ended up in my room - and to my closet. The first girl spotted homecoming dresses. 10 minutes later, this picture was the end product. All of the girls were in one of my dresses, waddling around in unstable heels, draping on jewelry and headbands, and fumbling around in the makeup drawer - what is this for, where do you put this, is this for your eyes?

There's just something about these sweet little girls that I love. They're so innocent, so ready to love - and yet they're starting to be more aware of the shakeable world around them. This might become a monthly occurance, movie and game night with the girls. They saw my small group journal and liked the idea of writing in it and sharing. Maybe it's something we'll start doing. There's so much I want to do with them. I can't imagine some of them leaving next year for middle school.

So Hannah sprawled out on my floor while we both did homework and watched the finale of Jon & Kate Plus 8. Then she asked me about my bible study, and asked me if she could go with me. She said she wanted to learn more about the bible, and that she wanted to start taking hers with her to school to read during extended day. We went out to my car to find hers, and she laid on my bed reading it for a while until bed. We had lunch with Les, Momma T, and Nana Gail on Sunday (after we got in the car she said "Today was so much fun!"). She started talking about them and how she likes them, and asked about "Les's band". So we listened to some Fireflight as my heart defrosted a little. Tonight I'll go to bed with the first bit of hope I've had since moving.

My poor puppy... He had no chance tonight.

Permanent Kickback

I'm trying to adjust to this new life that's been thrown at me. It's so odd. One day it was just me and two others who were never home - except for my puppy. Now there's 3 puppies in a house that's never empty nor quiet. I went from doing all of the cleaning and grocery shopping to not having to do any of it, except what is my own mess. Yet I still want my old life back. I'll clean the whole house - toilets and dishes included - if I can go back home.

Suddenly, my dad's being... a dad... except it's not to me. It's to this new girl half my age who is sleeping on the other side of the house. And my dad is loving a woman - who isn't my mom. It's all so weird and not right. I'm still bitter. By the time I get to the house at night, I'm dead tired. I've noticed that when I'm tired, my resentment is magnified. This is the woman that my dad left my mom for. She is the catalyst of the past two years.

Hannah obviously wants to know me, though. In the hour or two that we are both awake and at the house at the same time, she lingers around my door like she wants to talk to me. But I never know what to say. Sometimes she'll build up the courage to say a quick "Hi Dani!" then scamper back down the hallway almost as if she's scared, or maybe embarrassed. Usually when I come out of my room she's sitting on the couch or at the table that's at the end of the hall and say hi to me or ask where I'm going if my keys are in my hand. Maybe she just likes being there, or maybe she's waiting for me to come out. I don't know how to live with an 8 year old. A part of me resents that she is the child of my dad's girlfriend. The fact that a father has a girlfriend, not a wife, just isn't even right.

Em told me to pretend it's Faith. Or to just act like it's another student that I work with, and we've just jumped to a Kickback - permanently. This makes me smile a bit, but it's not the same. I've been able to get to know Faith and her family for about two years now. I hold no animosity against them. And I don't live with them. Yes, Hannah (possibly) looks up to me - and that could be great. But I look up to Amanda, yet I don't live with her. It's a totally different situation. Very different. Not in a good way.

This does make my smile though: I asked my friend Phoebe how I deal with living with an 8 year old, and she goes "That's a good question. Make it your slave."

So, I'm off to go take a shower (there's healing properties in hot water and good smelling soaps) and continue listening to Francesca and Jon Foreman (there's also healing properties in music). They're also two of the only things that never change. Unlike most things in life, there's always music and there's always showers. They say babies work well in routine. I guess teenage girls do too.

Positive Comments

If you've spent some time around me, you've probably heard me say "3 positive comments!" It's something I started saying a while back when I was tired of hearing somebody whine about nothing. So to honor my own demands... here are 10 positive comments about the move. Here we go...

10. I like having my drive to school cut in half.

9. I like my drive to church cut in half.

8. I like my drive to most people's houses cut in half.

7. I like that I'm closer to cheaper gas (notice all these have to do with driving...)

6. My room is super cute.

5. Actually, the bathroom is pretty cute too (shout out to Amanda Fay).

4. My bedroom is about 3 feet from the front door, instead of the back corner. I can slip in and slip out without contact with anybody.

3. I don't have to share my pool with 30 other old sagging ladies and creepy men, nor do I have to reject the idea of getting anywhere near the packed pool on holiday weekends.

2. I get to organize (:

1. I got to spend the day unpacking with 2 of the sweetest people ever.

There. Positivity. Don't expect it often though (:

Last night.

In less than 12 hours I'll be loading boxes into a U-Haul and moving. Again. You'd think by the number of times I've moved, I'd be pretty good at it. Not so much. It's funny, because as a kid, I had only moved once. Then in 6th grade I moved. And I've moved nearly every year since. 4 moves in 5 years (not counting living with various people for a few weeks at a time).

I've been here for two years, and I finally feel at home. I finally remember which cupboard has the plates in it versus the cups. I've finally broken into a routine, and I can walk around the entire house in the dark with ease. I don't want to leave. I like my home. I'm doing well here.

I don't want to go live with these new people. Strangers. I couldn't even tell you their last names. I don't know the dog's names. I don't know who they are or what they're like. It's not my house. Every little peice of me is screaming out against this. But there's nothing I can do about it. I can't deal with change.

My shelves lie naked, the contents crammed into boxes scattered around the floor (incase I needed one more reason to not want to move: tripping over boxes). My stress level is through the roof. I'm not sleeping, and when I do, it's fitful with nightmares. I feel sick to my stomach and have a constant headache. I'm cranky, hypersensitive, exhausted, and could cry at the drop of a hat.

My dad tells me to suck it up. He says moving isn't stressful. He's also the same man who's snapping at nothing and who doesn't even have half of his stuff packed up yet. But he's at his girlfriend's house hanging out instead. The thought of her makes me angry. Very angry. I can't handle this. I wish I could sleep, but my body won't let me. I wish my best friend was around, but she's not. Deep breaths.

My new goal: To stay in the same house for 3 years before I'm 30.

Two more years. And I'm done.

In case anybody was confused...

1. Please do not keep your high beams on when you're driving behind somebody in the dark.

2. There is no reason to tailgate while you're going 70+ on 95. Really.

3. Actually, just don't tailgate at all. And don't get all in a huff if the car in front of you isn't doing 10 over.

4. You are very wrong if you're doing 20 under the speed limit.

5. I can't help it if I hit you because you're a bike that decides to not have reflectors are ride in the street in the dark.

6. Can you please move over when there's a train of cars trying to merge? I know it's not your responsibility, but come on now.

7. Yes, blinkers may be a "courtesy" in Florida, but let's be "courteous".

8. People die from drunk driving. So you may think you're cool when you talk really loud about being wasted one night, and thinking it's funny how hard it was to drive, but you won't be laughing when you're in court for manslaughter.

9. There's 14 stoplights between my house and my school. When you hit one, you hit them all. And it always happens to be when you're in a rush.

10. If you're jamming out in your car, and you notice I'm watching, there's no recovering from that by trying to act like you were fixing your hair the whole time. Haha.

Just thought I'd get that cleared up...

Study break

So I'm taking a study break (is it a bad sign if it's not even 9am on a Saturday morning and you already ened a study break?) and I've compiled a few fun lists...

Top 15 things that shouldn't exist (in no particular order):
15. Waking up before the sun has risen
14. Having to pay to take of a Saturday morning to take a test you don't really want to take (aka SAT)
13. The fact that Josephine / 10th Street is pretty straight, yet the speed limit changes all on the same street from 35, to 45, to 30, to 40
12. Store employees standing around talking while the check out lines are 8 carts deep
11. Getting all excited about coupons only to find out that it's actually expired after you put the items in you cart
10. That really awkward feeling when there's only one seat open between two strangers, or you're in the elevator, or you think you know somebody but you're not sure or you forget their name... We could go on all night
9. Forgetting everything as soon as you get the test.
8. Forgetting everything as soon as you get the test when you didn't sleep so you could study.
7. Kids throwing fits over nonsense.
6. Those days when you're soaked with sweat and humidity just walking out to your car... and then the AC doesn't work.
5. Morning alarms.
4. Morning alarms when you're warm and comfy in your bed in the winter, and you can feel the cold air starting to rush in already.
3. Being super excited to go home and eat a certain food, only to find that somebody already ate it.
2. Getting a stain on / growing out of / ruining in the wash your favorite shirt.
1. Obnoxious songs stuck in your head... This land is your land, this land is my land, from the New York islands...

15 Best Simple Things Ever
15. That cool, foggy, dewy feeling in the morning right after the sun has come up
14. Watching a baby sleep
13. Actually getting a baby to sleep
12. Waking up feeling totally refreshed
11. Finding a note of encouragement somebody left you in a book they returned
10. A new CD and playing it over and over and over and over again.
9. Finding an old favorite CD you haven't listened to in forever
8. Going through memory boxes
7. An afternoon nap after a long day
6. Lazy Sunday afternoons
5. Ghiradelli chocolate...
4. Actually, any kind of chocolate
3. Waking up in the morning and having nothing on your agenda
2. Walking on the beach when the sun is rising or setting
1. Watching things turn white right before your eyes while cleaning it.

Need to breathe

I like to stay busy. I think having a full calendar and crossing things off on my TDL gives me a sense of self-worth. I also don't like being home often, and I've noticed that if I go home straight after school I WILL take a nap and I WILL screw up my sleep schedule. Sometimes though my pesky little habit (and the invasive motivation bug) get the best of me, and I find myself swamped with things to do, places to go, people to see.

Tuesday was one of three days all year thus far that I've been able to go home straight after school - no meetings to attend, no errands to run, no kids to watch. I was pretty excited (yes, I took a nap - yes, I screwed up my sleep schedule for the rest of the week). Wednesday, around lunch time I realized that I would have an entire 3 hours all to myself before youth group to do homework and do chores. I was pumped. Yes, I was overjoyed with the thought of being able to go home and work. Lately my crazy schedule has had me in different places every day to do work while waiting for different activities to start - the church, the media center, people's houses, etc. It was nice to sit down at MY desk with nobody distracting me and have Oprah buzzing in the background as I did my math.

So here I am, on this Friday evening. My father called to ask if I was going to be in town this weekend, or if I was even coming home tonight (hey dad - I haven't had a sleepover all year, just an fyi. I've been here.) I got home about an hour or two ago from watching 18 or 20 kids all day. I just talked on the phone for 40 minutes discussing plans to go to Chicago. I just made plans to babysit early tomorrow morning. I'm staring at a pile of homework that is undone and a room that looks like it was hit by a tornado. My closet is half naked, the rest of it lies on the floor in distress. I'm debating on whether or not I want to go to the game, and acquiring the motivation to get up and get moving if I do. I made my once-monthly phone call to La Diabla, which ended in tears and her hanging up on me. I lacked the motivation to eat dinner, let alone make it. The dog smells like a dog, in a bad kind of way. My bible has found a newly permanent home in the seats of my car - I couldn't tell you the last time I cracked that baby open. My booty sits in a chair after not having worked out in two weeks.

And I'm gasping for air.