I've held fast to Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
There's so much I love about this verse. The fact that God ordained and blessed my life before I even came to be amazes me. Every piece of suffering and joy must pass through His hands before it passes through mine - and therefore, I know that it must be good. I struggle though, with the difference between God creating events and God permitting events. He doesn't cause suffering, but He does allow it. The things He wants for me and has created for me are not meant to harm me, but rather to build me up and give me a greater tomorrow. God doesn't say He'll give us a hope - He just says He'll give us hope. The single, solitary, exclusive hope that is available, pure and fulfilling.
Over the last year, I've repeated this verse to myself over and over and over again.
Though my perspective says that it destroyed me and my fragile family unit, Jesus says that moving into the woman's house was to prosper me.
When my dad disowned me, Jesus said there is still hope and that He will never leave me.
When I was sick, Jesus had better plans for me - and yet He knew I would do it. But He also knew the beautiful moment that I would come to realize that His plans held SO much more for me than being a certain size.
Now, as college acceptance letters come in (Liberty and PBA today!) and scholarship money is allocated, my heart leaps for joy. It's a giant tangible piece that allows me to see the future God holds for me; His promise is being fulfilled right before my eyes.
My heart is free to dance, my heart is free to run. I'm not the person I was before. I can celebrate over four months of being healthy, sans fetter. And let me just say - IT FEELS SO GOOD!!! I love being able to think "the last time I was here / did this, I couldn't enjoy it because I was sick..." and knowing that today, I don't have that burden. Though I still get the occasional attack of anger, guilt, shame, and I'm still facing repercussions, I'm moving on and moving forward. I lost my Junior year, 2010 - or maybe, more accurately, I gave it up. We all make choices, and I'm fully aware that I had poor judgement. I know that so much of this was brought upon myself. I also know that while my friends may not forgive me and I may never have the same privileges or respect I once enjoyed, Jesus has granted me all the grace in the universe. I think that's what breaks my heart the most - knowing that Jesus was waiting for all of this to happen... I can't imagine knowing somebody would do things that would destroy their life, and having to simply wait and let it take its course. But I know He smiled the day it ended; He knew that day was coming, too. We can't enjoy freedom unless we've endured slavery.
So here's to a new life and a second chance (:
