Permanent Kickback

I'm trying to adjust to this new life that's been thrown at me. It's so odd. One day it was just me and two others who were never home - except for my puppy. Now there's 3 puppies in a house that's never empty nor quiet. I went from doing all of the cleaning and grocery shopping to not having to do any of it, except what is my own mess. Yet I still want my old life back. I'll clean the whole house - toilets and dishes included - if I can go back home.

Suddenly, my dad's being... a dad... except it's not to me. It's to this new girl half my age who is sleeping on the other side of the house. And my dad is loving a woman - who isn't my mom. It's all so weird and not right. I'm still bitter. By the time I get to the house at night, I'm dead tired. I've noticed that when I'm tired, my resentment is magnified. This is the woman that my dad left my mom for. She is the catalyst of the past two years.

Hannah obviously wants to know me, though. In the hour or two that we are both awake and at the house at the same time, she lingers around my door like she wants to talk to me. But I never know what to say. Sometimes she'll build up the courage to say a quick "Hi Dani!" then scamper back down the hallway almost as if she's scared, or maybe embarrassed. Usually when I come out of my room she's sitting on the couch or at the table that's at the end of the hall and say hi to me or ask where I'm going if my keys are in my hand. Maybe she just likes being there, or maybe she's waiting for me to come out. I don't know how to live with an 8 year old. A part of me resents that she is the child of my dad's girlfriend. The fact that a father has a girlfriend, not a wife, just isn't even right.

Em told me to pretend it's Faith. Or to just act like it's another student that I work with, and we've just jumped to a Kickback - permanently. This makes me smile a bit, but it's not the same. I've been able to get to know Faith and her family for about two years now. I hold no animosity against them. And I don't live with them. Yes, Hannah (possibly) looks up to me - and that could be great. But I look up to Amanda, yet I don't live with her. It's a totally different situation. Very different. Not in a good way.

This does make my smile though: I asked my friend Phoebe how I deal with living with an 8 year old, and she goes "That's a good question. Make it your slave."

So, I'm off to go take a shower (there's healing properties in hot water and good smelling soaps) and continue listening to Francesca and Jon Foreman (there's also healing properties in music). They're also two of the only things that never change. Unlike most things in life, there's always music and there's always showers. They say babies work well in routine. I guess teenage girls do too.