Let that be enough

My phone beeps. I pick it up, slide my bandaged finger across the screen, and open a new email.

Financial Services.

Your payment is ready to be viewed...

A couple of checks sit on my desk, crisp and ready to be deposited. Their little white boxes mention a series of numbers that I have crunched, stretched, saved, and sweat for - but there is so much more to them.

Written on these two muted blue checks is a beautiful fulfillment; it tells me "The Lord has provided for you yet again. You are done, sweet child. You have finished the impossible. Take these and remember Him."

My year of private schooling will be paid off in cash, minus a small subsidized loan.

I do not understand God.

He is so good.

I have been blessed with such a beautiful life; I do not know how I failed to see it for so long. He provides for me who can give nothing. He protects me who is just one in seven billion. He loves me who is so unworthy.

I was listening to my iTunes today and came across Switchfoot's Let That Be Enough. Some of the lyrics really stuck out to me today.

"I wish I had what I needed to be on my own...

And all I see, it could never make me happy.

And all my sand castles spend their time collapsing.

Let me know that You hear me.

Let me know Your touch.

Let me know that You love me.

Let that be enough...

Yeah, who am I?

Just a kid who knows he's needy."

This is such a fitting prayer for the season of life that I am in. The Lord has blessed me with jobs that allow me to provide for myself and be on my own; He is creating a new life within and for me. Dependence on Him brings so much freedom.

But the more He provides, the more I am realizing just how much stuff I have. None of this matters. I have a disgusting amount of shoes, tops I have not worn in years if ever, jeans that I have long-forgotten about. I have beautiful things while others don't even have food. I build up my storehouse, my resume, my sandcastles and in the end they mean nothing. In the mean time, I am simply shrewdly stockpiling, scoffing to the world saying "You do not deserve to be blessed in the ways I have."

I am a glory stealer.

I am a thief of justice.

A hoarder of goodness.

I deserve none of what I "own" and do not have the right to keep it for myself. I do not want these things, these checks or clothing or books to be what I base my joy on. It is mine to give, not mine to keep.

I know that I am needy, oh so needy. I cannot do a thing for myself without the hand of God - that is all I am, a little girl completely dependent on a big God.

I simply want Him to be enough.

"But goodness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into this world and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that."

1 Timothy 6:6-8

With each passing day, I find myself thinking more and more in terms of that which I never thought I would or wanted to be - a missionary. The Lord has a hold on my heart.