Hephzibah

"No longer will they call you Deserted,

or name your land Desolate.

But you will be called Hephzibah..."

-- Isaiah 62:4a

Hephzibah.

It means "my delight is in her". The delight of the Lord is in Israel, a nation of disobedience and desolation. It is in a nation he made new, a nation he redeemed and restored.

Today I was at David C. Cook's The Gathering, a family ministry conference in Orange County. We were asked to pick one word that describes our story and what God has done.

I chose new.

A sweet friend/mentor of mine took me to Laguna Beach last night. It was dark, but we stared out at the ocean. Before my eyes could adjust, it was a scary deep black mass of nothing. Slowly the white of the crashing waves became clear followed by the outline of crags and rocks. The familiar sound of the roaring ocean was accompanied by the new noise of seals barking.

Part of me was absolutely terrified - a horrible mix of my fear of rolling down a cliff, drowning, being crushed between rocks and waves, and the dark. It was a little unrealistic and a little over dramatic.

But as I looked out at the Pacific, I choked back tears. Not because I was certain that at any moment I was going to fall over the edge of the cliff and into the abyss, but because I was overcome with all that God has done. I am still paralyzed by gratitude and awe when I think of where I was and where I am today.

I looked up at my friend, "It's so crazy." She was puzzled and asked me what I was talking about. "I can't believe I live in California," I said, realizing that what I was thinking could not be properly expressed in words. In that moment, there was too much awe, too much thankfulness. My mind was swimming with thoughts of all of the blessings the Lord has given me.

I am made new.
I am redeemed, restored, healed, cleaned and made whole.
I have been given a life I don't deserve, a life full of grace and mercy.

If grace is an ocean and we're all sinking, then yes, let me roll down that cliff and drown in the sea. Let the roar of the waves come over me. The grace of God is uncontainable, and I don't want to simply float or tread water. I want to be completely overtaken by his power, his goodness.

Today I came back home from the conference.
I found myself pounded against the rocks in an ocean overtaken by frustration and disappointment rather than grace.

I saw my grades.
I cried.
I was a failure in my mind.

Then I cried again (I've been a little dramatic this week).
Like when my eyes adjusted to see the majesty of the ocean rather than scary darkness, my mind settled to realize that this is not where my value lies.

While the Lord's delight has been in me, my delight hasn't been in Him.

My identity has been found in things of this world - my grades, my body, my success, my money, my crafting, my good deeds, my friends, my writing, my family, my sickness, my work.

He made me new. I am no longer identified by these things. I am his and he is mine.

I worship a God of strength, a God who created the entire universe - yet he takes delight in little old me, the girl who is afraid of the dark. Who am I to delight in anything but him?