On abandoning dreams

"Hey, Dan. Have you considered yet that maybe this is not where I want you?"
It was that still, small voice that I had not heard in so long.
I had nearly forgotten the sound of his words, the cantor of his tone, as my eyes glazed over towards the candles burning in the pew aisle.

I had decided that grad school would be happening in May 2015.
"Lord, where do you want me to go?"
I saved my questions for the second line.
I had already decided the plot. I only needed God for the solution.
I needed a hero, a Savior, but I had missed the wanderings in the desert.
Yet I still somehow found myself lost in the middle of nowhere, buried in a pile of applications, mystery, and frustration.

You see, I have been fighting for months to make grad school happen.
Punching, kicking, screaming, swindling, doing - controlling whatever I could.
Going to bed exhausted at night.
Waking with eyes glazed, not a spark left, but still stuck on the prize.

"Okay."
Freedom. Anxiety lifting. Peace rising.
The candles kept flickering, slow and steady.
The spark returned.

It wasn't fighting against opposition.
It was beating down a path I wasn't meant to be on.

This doesn't mean grad school will never happen.
It doesn't even mean it won't happen this summer.
But it's hard to abandon dreams.
It's hard to hear "Trust me."
It's even harder to say "I will follow you."