The past few weeks have proven to wreck emotional havoc on me. For some reason, I thought all the drama would end with the divorce. It didn't. It's still going on full swing. Dani 32169 is continuing into another season with raving reviews. I'm trying to distract myself. I'm trying to get out of the house as much as possible, and dive into my school work when I have to be here.
I don't want to move in with the father's girlfriend. Not even a little bit. I'm kicking and screaming the whole way there. As selfish as it sounds, I don't want to live in a house with 4 nonbelievers. I don't want to put up a fight 4 against 1. I don't want to constantly live in my mission field. I want to have a chance to go home... to refuel... to study instead of be tested. I know God probably wants to use me there, but I don't want to go... my heart breaks at the thought of this change - of a new house, another woman, a new "sister". I'm trying to stay positive... but I so badly don't want to do this again.
I can leave. I have the opportunity to. But the question that eats at me is "are you seriously going to give up the opportunity to reach an 8 year old girl who has never heard before, without even giving it a try?" So I guess I'm going there, at least for a little bit. I'll stay there for a couple of months and try to tough it out. I think of Paul and of his bravery, his determination, and his unyielding faith, and am given a shard of hope.
I got a chance to spend the day with the two people who have been with me through this entire crazy thing, who have never given up on me. One of them said something like "I'm proud of you, though. This is good that you can see that it's wrong and you understand why it's wrong. You don't want it to happen because it hurts you, and neither does God - and it hurts him a whole lot more. But he's saying 'I don't want you to do this because it's going to hurt you, but I'm not going to stop you, even though it hurts me.'"
So until I get a new plan for living arrangements, I'll be taking a deep breath and spending as much time away from the house as possible.
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2 comments:
I will be praying for you through this brief time in your life, and for the heart of this precious 8 year old. I also want to encourage you that you can have peace in the "fight" and that the battle IS won.
Praying for you Dani-
I am so proud of you! You have made a very hard choice, a painful choice. I will praying that God gives you a servants heart and a love for your mission field. He doesn't want you to hurt and He will be with you every step of the way. I love you girl!
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